DON'T MISS THE PREMIERE OF "SURVIVOR: THE RESERVATION"

Starting on February 30th

Ten non-Indians will be dropped onto a Reservation where they will have to endure one week of hardship (gossiping, backstabbing, jealousy, teepee creeping, 49ing, etc.) and be able to survive on USDA-approved high-fat, high cholesterol foods.

The 10 contestants will be given:

*Five sacred rocks.

*One Rez car with no doors and no backglass.

*One unwinterized HUD house.

*Three days worth of food stamps.

*Cigarettes

*Five days of continuous "PowWow Highway" clips.

*And, Moccasins, headbands, and feathers to wear around the Rez (which demonstrates cultural sensitivity to Reservation inhabitants).

The lone survivor of the RESERVATION, will receive:

*1 Casino coupon book (a $10.00 value).

*1 Authentic, Indian-made Dreamcatcher.

*27 Homemade hand tattoos (with ink pen).

*a "Princess Pale Moon" Edition Pendleton blanket.

*AND, a 1 month supply of commodity cheese.

                                    INDIAN HUMOR

Why was the Christmas Pageant cancelled on the Indian Reservation? 

"Because there were no wise men nor virgins to be found anywhere on the reservation"  

      What does a Indian Man and Santa Claus have in common?    

"They both have a big nose and work only once a year"  

      Why was the Easter Egg Hunt cancelled on the Reservation? 

"Because all the powdered eggs blew away" 

      Why are Indian men like parking spaces? 

"The good ones are taken and the ones left over are all handicapped"  

      An Indian with a very big belly went to the doctor. The doctor looked at his

belly and said "You should diet" The Indian asked the doctor "What color?"  

      What do you call an Indian with one leg?  

"Not even"  

      What did the Indian couple ask their divorce lawyer?

"Can we still be cousins?"  

           What do you call an Indian man without a woman?      
"Homeless"  

          What do you call a white man surrounded by a bunch of Indians?         

"A Bingo Caller"  

     What do Indians call a small joke?  "A mini Ha-Ha"  

                What is a definition of confusion on the reservation?        

"Father's Day"

1-800-NATIVES

      Some days, it's easier being Indian than others. But for those who are not Indian every day, it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of Americans need help.

      So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian and for yooz’ who didn't remember you were (until the advent of per capita payments and land settlements), I offer you this, the by-product of a sympathetic moment of pure inspiration: "the Skin-tacular."

      Now, for a mere $39.95 a month of never ending but nonetheless easy installment payments, you will receive these unique and wonderful goods:

      * clip-on braids (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping and handling),

      * faded bandana of red or blue,

      * certificate of genuine Indian ancestry, choice of "Princess" or "Chief,"

      * tanning solution with extra oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow,"

      * old set of keys to a car "left on the rez" and parked in "some cousins" yard,

      * set of razor blades (Indians "aren't very hairy"),

      * fringed vest with complimentary "Indian Power" button,

      * beaded earrings for women, blurred tattoos for men,

* powwow schedule for those wanting to observe Indians in social environment without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad thesis and previous conclusions will be shattered.),

* individualized and company-registered nickname (All Indians have some sort of personal appellation i.e., SunDog, RedBone, Pooky, Skin, Buck, Wabooz, Brokedown, Jr. and such like.),

      * recipe book for commodity rations (including a no-fail absolutely delicious macaroni soup-nourishment that saved our Nations),

      * AND a video list of Indian movies to see and make reference to (movies not included, duh!).

      BONUS!!! For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that includes the proper way to say, "Ayyyy!" with the appropriate head movements and some slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes fail-safe vague references to the "rez" and some handy-dandy pan-Indian sayings such as, "walking the red road," "circle of life," "seven generations" and "all my relations".

      Plus, at no extra cost, the definitions of cultural gestures, such as asking, "Where are you from?" are cross-referenced in a glossary of Native terms and customs.

      SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage and handling I will send you a sporadic newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This way you will not be left "out of the loop" in any conversation with real Indians.

      Why you may ask, am I doing this?, selling trade secrets that will certainly infuriate some Authentic Natives? Well, we real Indians could all use a little break now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we're spread so thin across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we wanted the job or not. Besides, this will free up more time for us to get the important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral, natural resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody's got to do it!).

      It's like my Unk used to say, "It ain't easy being Indian"-especially when yer a Wannabee or a Yoostabee.

      For help, call 909-WAN-NABE! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your call! (Family packages available). If you find yourself inexplicably craving government Commodity cheese, don't give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much as 20% off your total order! Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"

Submitted by BJ

Indian Logic

 An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

      "Chief Two Eagles, You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

      The chief nodded in agreement.

      The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your honest opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

      The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

      Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.

Submitted by WS

Indian Olympics Humor

      The Indian Olympics were taking place in Duncan and the next competition was the Hammer Toss. The first Indian up was representing New Brunswick. He grabs the hammer and tosses it 250 yards.

      “Holy, you have broken the worlds record. How'd you do it?”

      "My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher and I am a fisher, have strong arms, throw hammer far.

      The second Indian is representing BC, grabs the hammer and tosses it 300 yards.

      You just broke the last guys record, How'd you do it?"

      “My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger, strong arms, throw hammer far.”

      The third Indian is representing Saskatchewan and he grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards.

      “Holy man, you just blew everyone away. How'd you do it?”

      “My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool, pick it up and throw it as far away as possible.

Submitted by WS

Mad Wife Disease

      A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper

when his wife walked up behind him and whacked

him on the head with a frying pan.

      “What was that for?" he asked.

      "That was for the piece of paper in your pants

pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,"

she replied.

      "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,

Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I

bet on," he explained.

      "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should

have known there was a good explanation."

      Three days later he was watching a ball game on

TV when she walked up and hit him in the head

again, this time with the iron skillet, which

knocked him out cold.

      When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was

that for?"

      She replied "Your horse just called."

Good not be a Blonde

      A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.

      Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

      The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

      The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

      The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing!

Careful of what you wish... >

      A skin dies and goes to heaven... he's sitting outside the gates of heaven with a black guy, an oriental guy, and a white guy.

      God's voice booms out, "All you guys, from the darkest to the lightest, run off the edge of the cloud, make a wish and you will become it!" >

      The black runs and jumps off the cloud. He says, "Condor!" He becomes a majestic condor.

      The skin runs, jumps, and says "Eagle!" And he flies away as a beautiful spotted eagle.

      The oriental guy runs, jumps, says "Dragon!" Then flies away as the strange, powerful creature.

      The white guy runs, slips, falls off the cloud and yells "Oh S—!”

Lessons

      Parable Number 1 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

      Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

      Parable Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients," said the bull. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

      The next day after eating some more dung he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

      Management Lesson: Bullshit may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

      Parable Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in a pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

      A passing cat heard the bird singing and come to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

      Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep crap, keep your mouth shut!

      Parable Number 4: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

      Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk!

      Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey!

      Now they passed some people that shamed them saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

      Management Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

The Plus Sign

      Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards,special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math!

      Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

      His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

      This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

      Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

      She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

      Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, "no".

       "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

      Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't messing around."

Submitted by Willy

Voted “Email of the year” by women

      A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

      God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

      The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

      He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

      At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, thought his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

      The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! please, let us trade back."

      The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

Submitted by Will

Indian humor joke

When the school district first ordered computers for the staff, Kevin Cook was one of the first to receive one. Four days later he called the school district office and said he wanted to return his computer. I inquired as to why and Kevin indicated that every now and then a message would appear on his computer that said "You've got mail" Kevin then indicated that he would go to the post office but his mailbox would be empty. He stated that he was sick and tired of going to the post office for his mail and there was none there.

Submitted by Stuart

The Middle Wife Story

How would you like to be this teacher? (A grammar school teacher from Miami remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students).

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two children myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own first-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a child, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students It helps
them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking.

And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment. Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Children bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, and pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing child, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The children are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, "Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and
groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the child is doing this hysterical duck walk; holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This child is sitting on the floor with her little hands miming water flowing away.

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe."

"They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff. They said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there for him to do. "

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Arlene Downwind-White

Do any of these have a familiar ring?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

A reader of rlnn.com

Women’s Revenge

      "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

      As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

      "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

      "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

      I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

      While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

      "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

      Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

      The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

      A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

      She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

      (Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton)

WIFE vs HUSBAND

      A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

      "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

      A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

      The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

      A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

      The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

      Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

      Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

      So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

      A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

...28 REASONS YOU KNOW YOUR INDIAN...

28. Somebody falls down you laugh first, then ask if they're okay.

27. You know people by their nicknames, and forget their "real" names.

26. By the age of 13 you're an expert at driving where as other children off rez at the age of 15 are learning how to back out of a 12 foot drive way.

25. When listening to the scanner you can usually look out your window to see the action. yeee!!!

24. There is at least one car parked in your yard, missing parts, maybe a door, probably sitting on blocks... Yah your gonna get her running one of these days, damn that's a good car!!

23. Most injuries can be fixed at home going to the clinic is torture in its self.

22. You at some point have cried while watching Smoke Signals, or Pow-wow Highway.

21. Most of the knowledge you've gained about the world abroad comes from the discovery channel.

20. Your trusted pup is a fine Heinz-57-mix, who has never seen a leash.

19. Someone near your home if not you, has their house painted in some type of Easter egg coloring.

18. The local mechanic's garage is his yard.

17. Your trained in the fine art of wiring vehicles, and opening door locks.

16. An essential thing to have in your house is duct tape, or wd40, they can fix anything.

15. Some of the most heated debates; is which one of your aunties makes the best fry bread.

14. A true delicacy is dry meat soup, and some fry bread.

13. The Chief gives the day off during certain occasions, such as pow-wows, and when the h.s. basketball team makes it to state, rather than having to deal with all the leaves, sick, emergency, administration, yep.

12. You have never been to a salon to have your hair-cut, either the in bathroom or the back porch.

11. Such a small community; your on a first name basis with the entire police force.

10. You have your own dialect and can usually tell what rez another native is from by their speech and features.

9. One of the main words in your vocabulary is "annet".

8. Out of all the cheeses you've sampled there is only one that you really like, heh, heh, you know what I'm talkin about, and it's only available yep commodity cheese!

7. You point with your chin, or your lips, instead of your hands.

6. Your car has at one point in time been held together by some type of adhesive, duct tape, crazy glue, some wire, or bubble yum, aye don't laugh I tried it, it works!

5. When you go to town for groceries, half the rez is in town too.

4. You have tried to use one of the following excuses for a hickey, it's a rug burn, an allergic reaction, you fell, you were pinched, heh, heh, don't bother they never work!

3. Your third cousin is just as close to you as one of your brothers or sisters.

2. Your in a room with three other natives can pin point anyone else in the near by area with the vaguest of details.

Finally the number one sign that you are a true native is:

1. No meal is complete with out bread, whether it be Italian, French, Chinese, still needs bread.