Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a
life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings
are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the
blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the
woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the
man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Marriage
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Married life is full of excitement and
frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and
the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you
had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself
married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself
divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
Marriage
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There was a man who said, "I never knew
what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after
marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married
man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married,
and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as
your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.
-- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. --
Helen Rowland
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A man must marry only a very pretty woman in
case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the
more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is
wise.
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down
a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev.
James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
Marriage
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Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and MrsDaneeka: Words cannot express
the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother
was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea
of useless legislation.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to
marry one.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows
he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's
wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for
the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits
until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
Marriage
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I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever
I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair
curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate
middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of
the lucky break he got.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to
return the unused part for my full refund.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about
'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I
love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave
skid marks. -- Rita Rudner
Marriage
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If your wife wants to learn how to drive,
don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which
permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's
character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost
impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
Marriage
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Many a wife thinks her husband is the
world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find
anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage
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Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are
trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have
preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can
get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
Marriage
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Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a
living, God forbid.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live
together in a one-room house.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits
night and day.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
Marriage
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Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get
half the universe?
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English
women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but
feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife
The days just before marriage are like a snappy
introduction to a tedious book.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to
marry one who makes dough like her father.
Marriage
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The difference between marriage and
death? Dead
people are free.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and
his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and
wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one
is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf
man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge
The only one of your children who does not grow up and
move away is your husband.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The
new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavran
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up. – Nash
Marriage
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This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho
Marx
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the
extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children
smart. -- H.L. Mencken
What's new? Most of my wife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. -- Guitry
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have
excessive control over his personal affairs.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Marriage
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All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward
that causes all the problems.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept
the other as a control.
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me
dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own
conclusions.
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs
Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of
four, besides being very amusing.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow
when your horse drops dead.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it
over."
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he
invented marriage.
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to
attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will
not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold
him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- EncyclopaediaApocryphia
