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| Don't Mess With Indian Women
A Kiowa man has six beautiful children, and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!" New "NDN" Words The following appeared in the July 5, 2001 issue of the Rapid City Journal, in a column entitled Four Directions, by Cheryl Long Feather, whose Indian name is Hunkuotawin. Cheryl writes for the Bismarck (N.D.) Tribune. Commodify (kah MOD if eye) uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powered milk, powered eggs and canned meat. Powwowvow (pow wow vow) the standard pledge of the powwow Romeo: "Sure, baby, I'll meet you at the next pow wow. Your're the only jingle dress dancer for me. Really! Look at this face. Would I lie?" Moccashoe (Mock ah shoe) contemporary dancer footwear designed by beading the top of tennis shoes or aquasocks instead of making moccasins the old fashion way. Skinship (SKI N ship) the eventual relative connection that all Indian people, discover within 10 minutes of meeting each other. Vis a cheese(VEES ah cheez) mode of exchange in which a block of commidity cheese can purchase other goods or services. Indinferior (IN din FEER ee your) a manifestation of self oppression; the practice of Indians looking down on other Indians for either not speaking the language or not being full blood or not participating in ceremonies or not living on the rez or not wearing braids or not dancing in pow wows or not having etc.etc., blah blah. BIease (BEE EYE eez) an affliction within the Bureau of Indian Affairs characterized by the inability to keep track of millions of dollars. Snaggr avated (SNAG ra vayt ed) the annoying feeling one gets upon realizing that last night's snag isn't quite as hot in the light of day. Triballistic (tribal ISS tik) to become irrational and incoherent upon hearing the latest self serving, short sighted and illogical decision made by the local tribal council. Rezercize (REZ er size) the involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your Indian car broke down for good. Fordrum (FORD drum) the instrument used for singing purposes when a regular drum is not available; usually the dented hood of a one eyed Ford. Frybreadth (FRY bredth) a unit of measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie's frybread. AlterNative (alter NAY TIV) an individual who was born and rai sed in the non Indian culture but recently "discovered" a "hidden" Indian ancestor so now uses pithy Indian phrases, assumes a name such as Laughing Rainbow, White Wolf or Dreams of Eagles, calls all Indian people Brother and Sister and wears genuine Hong Kong beadwork; usually found in the East and West coast region but had documented sighting in other regions as well. Councilmenopause (cown sil MEN oh paws) a disorder characterized by hot flashes, profuse sweating impairment of speech and loss of memory; normally occurs only to tribal councilmen when cornered by a constituent. Disunderstanding (DISS under stand ing) when non Indians think that they understand why tribes and individual Indians are the way they are, but attribute any and all behavior to the culture or the race. How To Tell If You're An Okie It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash (Will Rogers). You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Tecumseh, Okemah and Chickasha. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade. You understand the difference between 3.2 and 6 point, & you've made a beer run to another state. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel. If you have ever had this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper." "Vacation" means going to the family reunion or a pow-wow. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. You measure distance in minutes. You use fix as a verb. Example: "I am fixin' to go to the store". You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, but requires 6 pages for sports. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm." You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. You actually "get" these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Oklahoma. You Have To Love Indian Women... ...For their ability to play rez ball, take care of 20 kids, and manage to make sandwiches at the same time when at a basketball tournament. ...For their quick response to guys saying "shht, shht." ...For any reason to say "Aye!" at the end of a joke. ...For their ability to cram 20 people in one room at the Super 8 motel during a powwow. ...For their ability to make commodity food taste like a 4-star culinary feast. ...For their ability to expertly point with their lips at that fine grass dancer with the long braids. ...For their ability to make a rez car look good. ...For their ability to change a tire. ...For their ability to work wonders with bailing wire and, of course, duct tape! ...For their ability to keep sweat pants fashionable no matter what the occasion. ...For their ability to make that all-tourney T-shirt and shorts into the one and only Indian "swimsuit." ...For their ability to stay out all Friday night at the Indian casino and still hit the Saturday yard sales. ...For their ability to make Black Lodge miss a beat with her long hair, shady brown eyes, and feather light dancing. ...For their ability to lead all the round dance songs at Gathering's 49. ...For their tendency to want to bead every clothing item of the entire family. ...For their ability to give one "look" at their man to shut him up. ...For her ability to go the store with those infamous pink rollers in her hair with not one hint of embarrassment. ...For their ability to somehow get her husband to ask for some of his money out of his own paycheck. ...And last but not least for their wonderful ability to sneak 10 extra drumsticks of chicken and biscuits into their Tupperware from the buffet in town to later feed the family. How To Tell If You're "Rezzed Out" Your first toy was an empty commodity box You have to wait to have your birthday party at the beginning of the month when mom or grandma gets their check, even when your birthday is in the middle of the month Everyone in your family works for the tribal casino Everytime you see a line, you jump in thinking that you're getting surplus cheese You & your friends have all gone out with the exact same people Your favorite sport is snaggin' You & your family carry on old feuds, but don't know why anymore Your 2nd favorite sport is telling everyones business You're 45 & you and your snag still live at home with your parents You live for fire season, powwow season, basketball season, & rodeo season, just to get off your rez You still wear your MVP sweatshirt from 1979 You're 40 & still try to snag on you ng ones Top 10 Things To Say To A Non-Indian Upon First Meeting 10. How much white are you? 9. I'm part white myself, you know. 8. I learned all your people's ways in the Boy Scouts (Order of the Bullet). 7. My great-great-grandmother was a full-blooded European princess. 6. Funny, you don't look white. 5. Where's your powdered wig and knickers? 4. Do you live in a covered wagon? 3. What's the meaning behind the square dance? 2. Oh wow, I really love your hair! Can I touch it? 1. What's your feeling about river-boat casinos? Do they really help your people, or are they just a short-term fix? WAYS THINGS WOULD BE DIFF ERENT IF SANTA WERE INDIAN At bedtime, kids would leave corn soup and frybread for the big guy. Santa's new moccasins would be made out of Dasher. He'd run around saying "ayyy..." and "shhh...ttt" instead of "ho, ho". A five pound block of cheese and day-old bread would be under every tree. His elves would never show up for work on Mondays and sometimes Fridays. The sleigh would need a jump start every other state and would have one donut tire. He would be able to navigate his sleigh by pointing his lips. All his elves would be Hopi's from the Second Mesa. According to Indian time, our gifts would arrive in February. |