INDIAN HOROSCOPE

> CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19: You are always saving junk and dragging 

things around the yard. You are basically a pack rat. There has never 

been a tidy Capricorn on your Indian Reserve. You should quit stealing 

other people's garbage.

> AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18: You haven't the foggiest idea who you are 

and you've stayed stupid for too long. You are a natural liar. On the 

other hand, you are compelled to the dinner table where,you make loud 

sucking noises, as you devour sixteen pork neckbones. Everyone thinks your 

Indian name should be 'Vacuum Neck'.

> PISCES Feb 19 - Mar 20: You have no imagination and you always think 

the Department of Indian Affairs or Social Services are following you. 

You have influence over welfare administrators and friends think you're 

a weasel. You lack perseverance and are generally a chicken. Pisces 

people like to beat on ugly cats and sniff their nose a lot.

> ARIES Mar 21 - Apr 19: You are an old stiff and this is reflected in 

everything you do. You are always whining over nothing and think 

everyone is out to rob you of something. You should take 11 sweats, one after 

the other.

> TAURUS Apr 20 - May 20: You like to work like hell and you are a 

genuine Jack of all trades. Most people think you are just getting in their 

way. You are stubborn and persistent. You should get on welfare, 

immediately.

> GEMINI May 20 - June 21: You are very intelligent on your feet but 

lose all credibility when sitting down. People like you because you know 

how to cash in food vouchers. This means you're a con artist. Geminis 

are notorious for their pimping.

> CANCER June 22 - July 22: You are sympathetic and understanding to 

other people's problems. Friends think you are a sponge and you are 

always misplacing your sweetgrass. That is why you will always drive a 'rez 

bomb' and have a fat mate.

> LEO July 23 - Aug 22: You consider yourself a warrior, others think 

you're a machoegotistical creature of habit. Most Leos like to pick on 

little people. You have no ambition and will forever,live in your mind. 

Leo people are scared to go to the sun dance and prefer to make love to 

their mirrors.

> VIRGO Aug 23 - Sep 22: You like to have things in perfect order and 

will pick nits all day. Your sex life has become well known,due to your 

meticulous nature. Friends think you're an example of 

institutionalization and would make a model inmate at the local prison.

> LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 23: You have extreme difficulty with reality.This 

disorder began at the Residential School and will cause further serious 

mental shortcomings. Chances for employment are nil and you'll have to 

do beadwork for the rest of your life. All Libras light their 

sweetgrass from the wrong end.

> SCORPIO Oct 24 - Nov 21: You are a shrewd and conniving Aboriginal. 

Your land claim cannot be settled because you also want them to throw in 

Africa and China. Your work ethics defy logic but this stems from the 

fact that you know everything. Most Scorpios develop Jean Chretien-type 

mouths.

> SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 - Dec 21: You are extremely optimistic and have a 

tendency to rely on Indian Medicine. The majority of Saggitarians carry 

little bundles of leather and will do weird things suddenly. You should 

take 365 vision quests, 67 sweat ceremonies, 39 Sun Dances and a 

Valium.