From terror to torment

By Terry Collins/Howie Padilla Star Tribune

Keith Lussier doesn't fear going back to Red Lake High School because of what might happen. He's reassured by steps taken to bolster security at the school, where he works as a cultural counselor. He believes that he and the students will be safe.

What makes his voice falter and brings him near tears is the still-awful weight of March 21.

"I want to go back," Lussier said quietly. After a pause, he added: "I don't know if I can."

Lussier, who was absent from last week's orientation and doesn't expect to be at the school for classes this week, is among those who saw students at the school take their final breaths after being shot by 16-year-old Jeff Weise. And he is among those who survived a face-to-face encounter with the teenage gunman, who killed nine people before taking his own life.

Now, Lussier, math teacher Missy Dodds and security guard Lee Ann Grant are among those wondering whether improved locks, a rotation of armed police officers at Red Lake's schools and an improved communication system are enough to get the high school back to the business of learning.

Dodds, in whose classroom the students were killed, returned when classes resumed in the spring and helped with graduation. A month later, she was unable to erase the vision of Weise pointing his gun at her and pulling the trigger.

Click!

The gun was empty.

Doctors diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder and have advised her not to return to work for now.

"Trust me, I wish I could go back," said Dodds, 30. "I love my students, but I agree that it's probably not the wisest thing for me to do right now."

Leah Cook, a student who was in Dodds' room during the shootings, said that she barely sleeps anymore and can't be alone.

Cook, 15, saw three of her closest friends die: Alicia Spike, Thurlene Stillday and Chanelle Rosebear. She didn't return to school last spring until the final week, and there was no hesitation in her voice as she talked about this year.

"I don't want to go back," she said, tears rolling down her cheeks. "And if Miss Dodds isn't returning, I'm definitely not coming back."

Said Dodds, who has taught at Red Lake for three years, "That just breaks my heart. It's all surreal still, what those poor babies had to go through. It's not fair. And when it was over, they were trying to help those shot, carrying them out, holding each other.

"They showed how great they are."

Fretful Mondays

Lee Ann Grant spent her 21st birthday Wednesday in a psychiatric ward at a Thief River Falls hospital.

She told her mother that spirits told her in a dream that reporting to the district's staff orientation the day before wouldn't be easy. Weise's spirit still roamed the halls. She would be afraid.

Fear is nothing new to the security guard, who now dreads Mondays and rainy days. She's returned in her mind to the Monday of the shooting, in which she saw Weise ram a Red Lake squad car into the high school's front entrance and shoot her colleague, Derrick Brun.

Instinct led her to run.

Some in the community have ridiculed her, Grant said, saying that she fled without warning others. She maintains that Weise stalked her as he was shooting.

Grant said she called 911, and authorities credit her for helping an operator tell officers where Weise was in the school. Her mother, Red Lake teacher Gayle Downwind, said that Grant has been treated for depression that is affecting relationships with her two children and their father, her longtime boyfriend.

Downwind said her daughter "went back to work too soon."

When thunder cracks, Grant hears gunshots and panics. On a recent stormy day -- before she was hospitalized -- she was calm for a time, then screamed and raced to the bathroom to escape the sound of the thunder. Grant's mother and others ran to console her.

Her wailing could be heard outside the house.

"I just have these moments when I lose it," Grant said a few days later. "I can't help it." 

Last Tuesday, Dr. Kathleen Annette, director of the Indian Health Service's Bemidji region, saw Grant break down outside the middle school.

She had Grant's mother take her to a hospital.

Leaves denied

Lussier, Grant and Dodds applied for extended paid medical leaves beyond what the district would normally provide, but they were denied. They had hoped to return to school in January.

Shortly after the shootings, Red Lake district officials said repeatedly that any staff member requesting an extended leave would be granted such an option.

But the district's attorney, Mary Kay Klein, wrote to the three that established policies limit such leave at about 35 days.

"Therefore, the district is unable to honor your request," the letters stated.

Superintendent Stuart Desjarlait said last week that district employees may either use accumulated sick leave or request unpaid leaves that go beyond the district's policy. He also pointed out that counselors at Bemidji State University will continue to be available to staff members seeking help.

But Mark Rodgers of Bemidji, part of a team of attorneys representing Lussier, Dodds and Grant, said the district may be going back on its word.

"I think there is a perception that there has been a change in the district's position, which is a legitimate concern to us," Rodgers said.

Dodds' situation is upsetting to at least one member of Red Lake's school board, Kathryn (Jody) Beaulieu, who said that Klein had no authority to send out the letter on behalf of the district.

"As far as Missy Dodds, it's something we have to revisit," Beaulieu said. "I believe this is an extenuating circumstance and an exception should be considered in her case to give her time to heal."

At a school board meeting Friday afternoon, Beaulieu asked the board to approve paid leave for Dodds through the end of the year. But there weren't enough members at the meeting to take a vote, so the issue will be discussed at its next meeting.

Dodds said she continues to see a counselor, and she has returned to the high school just twice since graduation.

"If I had the strength, I would go back because I love the kids and there's a special bond between so many of the kids and myself," she said. "That's why I go to work."

Grant said last week that she will take an unpaid leave from her security guard's job until she feels ready to return to work. Lussier said he will do the same for his post.

Returning youth

Some students say they are leading by example by returning to school, which opened with an orientation day on Thursday.

"I'm not scared, but I understand if there's some who are," said James King, a junior. "I'll be there to help."

King is among about 40 Red Lake young people who participated in a summer leadership program designed to help them develop skills with peers and serve as mentors to younger students.

"I want to encourage kids to return to school," said Elden Cloud, 18, a senior who Weise shot at. "I know it's not easy. But we're not alone."

Yet Lussier, who is seen as the school's disciplinarian and has the official title of community relations director, wondered whether enough healing has taken place. He's urging students and their parents to seek help from a psychologist or traditional elders if they still have flashbacks.

"Education is important right now," he said, sitting in his front yard, a five-minute drive from the high school.

Lussier lifted his hand to his forehead, then to his heart. "But if you're not right here, or here, it's not going to happen."